Its the Little Things

Most people I know have an idea in their heads that they will be happy when they find the perfect person who completes them in some way.  Many of my friends, and even myself before I was married often viewed marriage as finding a perfect person who matches with your personality.  I think one of the biggest lessons in marriage is how to work with someone who is very different from you (as all people are distinct).

Being from different cultures makes my life with my wife particularly interesting, as we both approach our worlds differently.  American and Chinese customs often clash in unusual ways, be it from the types of movies we like to watch to the food we eat.  Going out sometimes can be a challenge as I may be in the mood for tex mex, and she might really be craving some sichuan food.  Also I haven’t bought bread in a very long time, as I’m the only one in our house who will eat sandwiches, so if I buy a whole loaf I know it will just go bad.

Its funny that we tend to think of the big things as being the biggest differences we run into in a marriage, however I’ve found that my wife and I both agree on most of the important things (ie how many kids we want, what kind of values we want to teach them) and it is the smaller things we clash on more often (such as whether to spend our date watching an american movie, or a Chinese one).

We make up for these things the same way any couple does, by joining together on our shared interests, and compromising on everything else.  My diet has changed drastically since we’ve been together, including more and more asian food/cooking practices.  I eat a lot more fruit than I ever did as a bachelor, and my wife has come to enjoy the pot roasts, stews, and assorted american dishes I like to cook.

We’ve also branched out, and begun creating a new mishmash of culture for just the two of us which is a lot of fun.  Being from different cultures, and knowing that we will one day be a part of a multicultural family makes us more inclined to embrace other cultures even those distinct from our own.  Our kids will not be ethnically american or Chinese, so we don’t plan on raising them specifically according to the american way, or the Chinese way.  Instead we want our children to see themselves first as citizens of the world, and not as one single race or type of person.

Our lifestyles have become more diverse as a result as well.  We shop at Hispanic and Korean grocery stores as interchangeably as we shop at american or Chinese supermarkets.  Recently I’ve gotten into cooking Indian food and authentic Mexican food.  The fascinating aspects of our marriage and the culture I’ve become accustomed to has also helped me as a person become more understanding and accepting of people and practices from other cultures, which has broadened my life and my perspective in a way I am truly grateful for.

Duck Eggs, and Other Fun Food Stories

I recently experienced a shocking realization.  I am allergic to duck eggs!  It doesn’t matter that I have been eating chicken eggs my entire life, that I’ve never before had a real food allergy, or that I’ve always thought about how much fun it would be to try eating eggs from different types of birds, for some odd reason I cannot eat duck eggs!

It was because of this fascination that I suggested while we were visiting the asian supermarket for groceries, that we pick up some duck and quail eggs to try.  Now my wife grew up eating both types of eggs so she agreed.  Later she made me an egg salad sandwich for lunch one day, and the result was about as pleasant as you can imagine.  I had to leave work early, and spend the rest of my day going back and forth from the bathroom and the bedroom all the while feeling worse nausea than I ever remember feeling in my entire life, until finally I threw up, and started feeling better.

I bring this story up because it highlights one of the challenges in our lives now that we are married which is: Food.  I’ve always enjoyed asian food, and I love trying new types of food, which makes us a very good couple together.  We search for new types of food to try just about every time we go out, and regularly visit peruvian, nepali, and vietnamese restaurants.

Despite all of this, my wife and I tend to crave very different types of food.  As a word of advice to any americans out there who might be saying: “I love asian food!  I’d do great in an interracial relationship!  Yay ramen!” I’m sorry, but first of all you are an idiot for characterizing asian food by ramen (or sushi, or panda express), but also no matter how much you like asian food, you realize after being married for a while that you liked american food a lot more than you thought.  Yeah, you appreciate things a lot more when you cannot get them as often.

Not that I am complaining, my wife is a fabulous cook, and I love her cooking, but I also love meat and potatoes, sandwiches, chili, scrambled eggs, cereal, pasta, and all other american diet staples which you probably eat all of the time, but don’t even think of these as american food.  Take it from me, want to adopt a real asian diet?  First eliminate all that cereal!  Like to eat eggs?  Oh, asian food uses a lot of eggs, but don’t expect it to be like your triple decker mushroom, green pepper and ham omelettes!

When I first met my wife I was astonished when she told me she did not know how to make a sandwich.  To me making a sandwich is such a regular part of my life, and such an easy thing to do.  Imagine my astonishment when my wife told me early on when we were dating that she had never baked or used an oven before in her life.  And don’t get me started on salads.  The idea of eating vegetables without cooking them is still something my wife is getting used to.

The simple reality is, chinese people grow up eating very different food than we do, and as a result they enjoy different flavors than we do, and in many cases think of our food as tasteless and bland.  Which is ironic, because I have met some americans who feel the same way about asian cuisine.  They use spices which I do not believe our tongues are adapted to taste, since we have not been eating that type of food our whole lives, and vice versa as well.  I often bring my wife to an american restaurant and she will tell me she can’t really taste the flavor.  I know that she cannot tell the difference between any type of burger (to her they all taste the same).

We both enjoy each other’s cooking a lot, and both of us spend time cooking for each other.  We try to mix both styles of cooking into our daily lives.  And as I previously stated, when we go out we tend to go anywhere BUT american or chinese style restaurants.

This doesn’t mean we always agree.  My wife would like it if we went to eat out chinese food more often (after eating chinese food regularly I do get tired of it occasionally), and I would love to get mexican food more often (my wife doesn’t care for this) but a big part of marriage is compromise.

The real fun in being married to my wife is the diversity of foods I never would have tried if we hadn’t have gotten married!  I was always adventurous, but wasn’t as open to trying so many types of food before.  Here is a list of foods I probably would not have tried if it hadn’t been for my wife: vietnamese food in general, sea cucumber, jelly fish, duck blood, seaweed salad, fried eggs with soy sauce, tea eggs, udon noodles, seafood pancake, etc.

Life is an adventure, because I never know what new type of food she is going to introduce me to, or what unique style of cuisine we will discover together.  I never in my life expected that my life would become as varied or as adventurous as it is, and its all thanks to my wonderful wife!

Thanks for reading, and leave a comment if you enjoyed my stories.

Chinese Women vs. American Women

This is a topic I write with a little bit of concern.  While I do not want to perpetrate any stereotypes that people might have (such as “all Chinese girls behave a certain way,” or “all American girls behave a certain way”) I do wish to be honest in what I write and I have said that I intend to tell the truth in my posts.  I will add a disclaimer first to say that if you are attempting to date/marry an Asian girl because you have a stereotype built in your mind of who she will be and how she will behave, you should rethink this because Chinese women, like all women, are human beings, and humans are a mix of a multitude of many different traits and characteristics.

That being said, there are certain things about my wife which do set her apart from other women, and are in some way a result of her being raised in China.

Before I address my wife specifically I should point out a few things I have learned from my wife, as well as from visiting china, about gender roles in Asia vs. America.  China is a very different place than the United States, and you really don’t get a sense of that unless you spend some time visiting over there, or if you date someone who grew up there.  I mean it!  The cultural differences are quite astounding, and I’ve been shocked in being with my wife at how similar our two cultures are in some ways, and yet how vastly different we can be.

To sum it up, it could be like saying as if American culture was moving upwards, and Chinese Culture was moving diagonally.  Our cultures are going in different directions, but they are not opposites.

Some might not like me saying this, but from what I’ve heard and seen, Asian culture is a lot more of a male dominated culture than Western culture in general is.  The culture places a huge stigma around having a son (which is one of the problems which clashes with the one child policy).  While this is true in American culture as well (lots of fathers get really excited about having a son, and less so about having a daughter) it is not as prevalent or as accepted.Whereas America still has a culture which puts women more in a forefront position.  I can say that when I was growing up I was always taught to hold open doors for women, and to always let women go first.  The phrase “ladies first,” is still spoken a lot today.

China has more of a culture around women serving there husbands and their parents.Because of this people often believe (partly correctly) that Chinese girls are more submissive and conservative than American girls.  Is this true?  Yes and no.  I would say that my wife thinks of herself as fairly liberal minded, and in China, I believe most people would consider her to be very liberal (by liberal and conservative I mean socially and behaviorally, not politically).  However, I can tell you that in American culture she would be considered more conservative.

My wife is very feminine.  She loves small animals (particularly cats) and likes to dance around the house and sing goofy songs.  I love that about her!  I think it’s adorable!  But I know a lot of Americans may see this behavior as very silly.  She doesn’t enjoy heavy or fast-paced music, preferring soft love songs, and Christmas music (this was a big surprise to me!).  She also (despite not being religious) really really likes Christian rock music (I think because it is upbeat and soft, and doesn’t talk about sex and drugs).  She also likes to play cute with me when she wants something, or when she is being sweet (so called “puppyfaces” are common).  It’s adorable!  Part of the reason I married her, but I’m off topic…

And while I will say, there are plenty of more conservative and submissive girls in American culture (particularly among religious groups), it is the mainstream culture in China instead of just one group of people.  Sex is much more taboo in China than it is in the United States.  Premarital sex is looked down on a lot more in Chinese culture than American culture.  Now for me (I was raised and am Christian) I was brought up that same way, but this again is only the case for a group in American culture where as it is more so the rule in China.That doesn’t mean that out of wedlock sex doesn’t happen (it just would be kept hush hush), and it certainly doesn’t mean that Chinese are kinder, more caring, and more moral than Americans are.  I will point out that while these rules are doubly true for women in China, it is less so true for men.

In Chinese businesses it is common for the (often married) businessmen to go out to get hookers, and a lot of the wives know this goes on, but put up with it and say nothing.You think America is a slightly chauvinistic culture?  Unfortunately certain aspects of chinese culture have us beat! (of course I’m not saying that these things are true for everyone, but they are common enough to affect the course of the two societies).  Honestly I often feel like China is about fifty or so years behind the US in terms of social development, in that it is like the 1940’s or 50’s was in America right now in China.Cheating does happen in America, but it is less accepted and the women do not often stand for it.

So to bring it back to point: Chinese women are more conservative than American women.  To a point!  Often this conservatism is a face shown to the world whereas at home a woman may behave completely different.  And while my wife often defers to me in decision making she really appreciates that I see her and treat her as an equal, and we make decisions as a unit.  I do not call the shots, and neither does she.  There is no I in Team people!

Also because infidelity is more common and acceptable in Chinese culture from what my wife has said many Asian girls can be very jealous (to the point of going through their boyfriend’s phone to read the text messages to make sure he doesn’t have another girl on the side).  That being said I have met American couples who did this exact same thing!  But again, here it is less so the rule, and more so the exception.

But I don’t want to oversell the differences.  Even though the cultures tend to lean a certain way any woman is a woman, and can be as different as someone in her own cultural group as she is from someone of the opposite cultural group.I wrote too much… got too busy rambling… Anyway, my wife is currently curled up asleep looking really really cute and I’m getting tired so I need to head off to bed.  Hope you guys (my possibly nonexistant audience) enjoyed this post!  Let me know if you have any suggestions for things for me to talk about in the future! Hasta la Vista.

Reaction from Others and Citizenship

“So Will, was your wife the first girl outside of your race that you’ve ever dated?”

“Yes she was.”

“And your parents were okay with it?!?”

“Of course!  Why wouldn’t they be?”

The reaction’s I’ve received from people because of my relationship with my wife have varied far and wide.  Now, the area I grew up in was a fairly diverse community with a relatively large asian community, so living around and interacting with chinese people has always seemed perfectly normal to me.  As I grow older I’ve realized how unique this can be not only in the united states, but in the entire world.

Despite what people say the US is a very diverse country.  When I visited China I had people staring at me intently everywhere I go, because they don’t have the racial diversity over there that we do, or encounter very many foreigners in their day to day lives (other than in Beijing or maybe Shanghai) but not to get off topic…

Most people of course have  been understanding and great, but others have shocked me in their reactions.  The above conversation was one I had with a coworker who had never asked me about my marriage until finally one day bringing it up.  I wasn’t offended by what she said but it struck me as surprising that someone would think that way.  Of course, from what I know of her I think she grew up in an area consisted almost entirely of people of her own race.

The lady also went on to question if other people judged us for our relationship.  And it’s true… I have had a few people kind of delicately bring up the topic of citizenship.  They try to do it politely but it’s obvious they are questioning whether or not my wife married me to get her green card or to get citizenship.

My wife got her green card years before she met me.  For those of you who don’t know what this means, a green card allows a foreigner to stay in America for the rest of their lives with or without citizenship.  It’s a difficult process, but after a foreigner has been in this country for several years on work visa’s they can apply for a green card and it’s another complicated process.  Then a certain number of years after getting their green card (I think it’s five years.  I know my wife got her green card around the time she was applying for college) then you can apply for US citizenship.

It doesn’t work where you get married and your partner is automatically granted US citizenship.

The process of getting citizenship is one which my wife and I have discussed beginning this year.  This will allow her to vote, and would allow her to travel freely to several countries in Europe without needing a visa.

It sounds very difficult of a process, but from what I hear (and on the topic of Europe) it can be nearly impossible for a foreigner to be granted citizenship in several European countries.  While a child born in the United States is granted citizenship whether it was born to a US citizen or a foreigner a child born in Europe would not necessarily be given citizenship.

But back to the main topic! (Sorry I tend to ramble a lot).  Anyways, people also on occasion have replied with a kind of “You like Asian girls then…” response.  This has always been a pet peeve of mine because as I’ve previously stated I’ve never had a “thing” for asian girls.  Like all men I have a thing for girls, and my wife happens to be a girl!  The fact that she is asian was just happinstance.  Of course, her being asian has opened me up to a whole new world and new understandings, so ultimately I am glad that I married an asian girl, but I did not set out to find and marry an asian.

In all truth though most people are genuinely friendly and understanding about our relationship, and most of their questions (including the ones about citizenship and whether my parents approved) are not asked out of hatred, but out of genuine curiosity, so I do not mean to say that I dislike these questions or do not care to answer them.  Please, feel free to ask me any questions, no matter how controversial.  Just please don’t bring judgement or ignorance around!  No one needs that!

And now to end on a happy note, here is this wonderful new song I’ve been listening to lately:

http://youtu.be/vGh-EvmZVCQ?list=AL94UKMTqg-9AWLba_G61fP8lWNe4AXwam

Where to Begin…

I am sitting in my living room enjoying a beautiful saturday afternoon and listening to bluegrass while my wife goes back and forth between studying and cooking in the kitchen.  Some days its a rock and roll kind of day.  Some days I spend immersed in Bruce Springsteen or Jimmy Buffett.  But some days its a good day to sit back and listen to Earl Scruggs and a little Foggy Mountain Breakdown.

How to begin my first post in a blog which may or may not get any views?

I guess I’ll get started by talking about how my wife and I met.  As I described in the About section we met through a mutual friend at a party I was hosting during college.  I would love to say (as so many do) that it was love at first sight, but the truth is far from that.

I met her while I was hanging upside down from the ceiling!  I know it sounds silly, but it was college!  And I guess I must have given her quite a lasting impression of me then.  I did not talk to her until later in the evening, but once I started talking to her we talked the whole rest of the night!  Around then was when I realized that I thought there was a future between the two of us.

And what an adventure it has been ever since.

Many people have asked if I decided to date her because she was asian.  As is true, a lot of americans have developed a sort of fascination with asian culture and asian girls as well.  Truthfully, I have always found the people who idolize asian culture to have a very unrealistic view of what asia and asians are truly like.  A viewpoint they have hacked together from eating ramen and sushi, and watching anime and reading manga.  I’ve never watched an anime, never read a manga, never had any real interest in asia or asian girls.  When I met my wife I was a man, and she was a woman, and her personality really matched with mine.  That is why I fell in love with her.  Race did not play a role.

Since then I have become more interested in asian culture, as I realize that it is now a part of my family culture, and will be a strong part of my kid’s identities.  And I have learned from my wife (and also from visiting China with my wife) that asian culture really is a very misunderstood culture in america.

I will talk about this more in future posts.  If you are reading this and have any questions that you would like me to answer, or any topics you would like me to talk about please don’t hesitate to ask!  Stay tuned for more!

-Will